I am not that good of a driver. I space out. Look at texts. Listen to music too loudly. Have anxiety.
But there is some debilitating fear of other people driving where I feel unsafe and stuck. I’m not sure what that’s about.
Some of my anxieties are so bad that I dream about them:
Trapped in a room with someone bad
Smoking or drinking or using
Thrown into water
War
Aliens
Heights
I just wish there was a way to know when the fighting would be over. When I wouldn’t have to wrestle with unpleasant concepts. But the truth is I don’t think it’s ever over. I am not at liberty to choose what happens to me in life but I do get to choose what my attitude is.
Sometimes we hit a brick wall. We want to change. We decide on a better life. With PTSD and anxiety disorders that sometimes is an amazingly foreign concept that may never ever get realized.
It’s easy to say that I’m done. That I make the choice. That I want to life fully. But fear is a powerful motivator. Not just fear but fear plus worry. Anxiety and panic are parts of my life as they are parts of everybody’s life. They just happen to affect my life a little more than average maybe.
I’m not sure what to do anymore besides not care. Not judge. Not apologize.
So I will make an effort to stop caring how others will react to my anxiety.
I will make an effort to stop judging myself for when I have anxiety.
And I will not apologize for these ways that my brain and body react due to past circumstances I lived thru and couldn’t control.
I think it will be ok.
I pray that if it isn’t, I live thru that as well.